EDITORS NOTE: this blog was not intended to be all about the death of my grandmother, I will blog about other things. PROMISE :D .....
As i may have implied in earlier posts, i have always been so unsure of death, as i only understood the complex emotions and reactions to be ones based on fear and loss.. and never really knew how to deal with loosing someone. I have had the great fortune of not attending too many funerals, and hopes this is the way it will be for another mm.. 80 years? I today do not write before you all and say this whole experience of being front and center to a very emotional and overwhelming ... lets call it... ALL OF NOVEMBER> yes, i yelled that. I sit here and wonder what the hell just happened, the pace of life and death and the moment's in between and just... suck it all in. I have very bizarre memories of panicking around my mothers birthday and promise her she wouldn't get any older cause i was petrified for some reason that she would die. My father traveled a lot for business when i was a kitten, and i would panic that he would get on a plane and then watch the remains of some 747 that smashed into the ground. I never 'got' death. It used to plague me and stifle me with emotion that i was afraid of.
I read a book at least a year ago by Deepak Chopra called life after death,
and I have to be so honest here, in this forum, that this book made sense to me. And dr. chopra's readings on life and the after life and what this life does to the next is very profound and touching. Today during my Nan's " Ontario service" i sat there and thought of this book and the explanation of grief. in a nutshell---- and i bet laughably un-profound as the book actually reads--- we cry over death and mourn so much, succumb to sadness because we view death as a loss. death becomes this final thing, we are born, we live, and we die... we will no longer have this person here for us, to hold us, to talk to us, to miss out on family gatherings and pictures with us... It is sad for us. But we need not be sad over a loss, because energy, life force, the soul, whatever you decide to call it is still with us just in a different form of matter. The body and soul become divided, the body feeds the earth and our loved ones become the water that flows over the falls, the clouds that form on the highest hill top and the air we breathe. Religious or not religious, there is no argument the body decomposes, this, however we must take comfort in. We must see death as simply another passage into life. My grandmother will now be the ever greens that grow so tall and house many little woodland animals... or she is the water that furiously crashes against the rocks in a storm assuring us of her great presence. **** video clip 1 is at the bottom... ***
I watched my mother, my aunts, my uncles and their family's sob today. Bawl and cry over the deep and burning sadness that comes from loosing a parent. I saw my sisters and cousins and loved ones cry during my aunts extremely touching song and bringing a cell phone to heaven. While cutesy or silly my small description may be her voice carried through that church and rang into every single person sitting there. Perhaps their to support us, or someone i dont know- but her song touched everyone. It was outstanding. I could never have the cojones to do that and i cant say many people would. She sand so beautifully and with such meaning and joy i was flabbergasted to not hear a single crack that came from her voice considering 15 minutes ago she was a big ball of tearful mess. ( sorry aunt joanie!! lol )
Nan, i miss you as we all do. I hate that you are gone- but love where you are now. We all do.
lulu.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_rdYiLAz38
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
okay okay
Listening to shit robot and lcd sound system. dance party on. My mood keeps flux'ing up and down. i guess thats normal? post loved one death?
thanks zoja ( yoganotes. )
thanks zoja ( yoganotes. )
Enter Depeche Mode.
Today, while driving into my boyfriend Steve's (everyone, meet Steve. Steve- meet blog.) old home town.. a super rural area outside of newmarket.. I witnessed a terrible thing. Three men were parked in a lot staring at the back of their truck as two dead deer are flopping out the back with their mouths hanging open as if they were screaming. I burst into tears. I c a n n o t handle that. I understand hunting blah blah grocery store food blah blah blah- but i simply retort there is no reason to kill a deer. They sell venison at the store. wtf is your problem? assholes.
I straight up burst into a blubbery sad 5 year old mess who just saw some drunk dude put on a santa suit and pretend to be jolly old saint nick while coughing up cigarette residue. vom.
I mean, I eat meat. I enjoy beef. but i still become terribly sad when i see that truck full of pigs being crushed together slowly turn a corner as they go to their impending doom. My friend Andrew http://meattoveg.blogspot.com started a blog about going on a vegan diet... i keep thinking about going veggie- I am too sensitive to the world.
Does that make me a weak person? Being sensitive? It was always hard as a kid, a teen, and even now to feel overcome by other peoples emotions. Especially sad ones as the sad/negative energy is so strong it radiates through me and I just feel so compelled to protect them. whoever it may be. I cry too- my mind races around shit it shouldnt even race around, parents or friends un-timely death.. the steps after..
Then i snap out of it and go on my merry way, playing with my kittens or doing laundry and whatever stuff.
I keep listening to depeche mode and have private 80's dance parties. I like the 80s. alot. i wonder about past lives and wonder if i was born in the 80s... can i have past life then too? short maybe? who knows.
I have decided I dont really like my blog today. But whatever. Im still gunna post it. hah.
suckers.
lulu.
I straight up burst into a blubbery sad 5 year old mess who just saw some drunk dude put on a santa suit and pretend to be jolly old saint nick while coughing up cigarette residue. vom.
I mean, I eat meat. I enjoy beef. but i still become terribly sad when i see that truck full of pigs being crushed together slowly turn a corner as they go to their impending doom. My friend Andrew http://meattoveg.blogspot.com started a blog about going on a vegan diet... i keep thinking about going veggie- I am too sensitive to the world.
Does that make me a weak person? Being sensitive? It was always hard as a kid, a teen, and even now to feel overcome by other peoples emotions. Especially sad ones as the sad/negative energy is so strong it radiates through me and I just feel so compelled to protect them. whoever it may be. I cry too- my mind races around shit it shouldnt even race around, parents or friends un-timely death.. the steps after..
Then i snap out of it and go on my merry way, playing with my kittens or doing laundry and whatever stuff.
I keep listening to depeche mode and have private 80's dance parties. I like the 80s. alot. i wonder about past lives and wonder if i was born in the 80s... can i have past life then too? short maybe? who knows.
I have decided I dont really like my blog today. But whatever. Im still gunna post it. hah.
suckers.
lulu.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Spoke to soon
Well- That's it folks. ( is anyone even reading this?) The shiny star in our family passed away at 4 am today. Its a sad day for everyone, and i can be honest and say i am doing my fair share of blubbering. I do okay for a little while, then have these smell sensations.. memories of my grandmother and her life.. what i am familiar with. Mary Ursula Kelly Coleman was THE coolest woman i know. ( knew.. is that weird now? yes it is. ) She at 90 years old drank scotch, told jokes, sang loud and loved everyone with all her heart. She watched wrestling and soccer.. couldn't be bothered with drama or frustration. She told it like it is.
She made THE BEST HOME MADE BREAD you have ever tasted. Any one of my aunts/uncles/cousins/sisters anyone who knew her knows this. I keep thinking about that bread, toast with delish tea around 6 or 7 years old with nan. It was a tradition. A daily homage to the bounty we have and to memories. That's what makes this so sad I think, My grandmother made memories. I should be happy knowing that is what I have of her- but it kills me to know.. that's all i have now. No new ones. Before her strange and immediate rush to the hospital she had knee surgery and was in a re-hab clinic for a week or two. she hated it. HATED. she knew what was going on, she was outrageously aware for being 90.. she worked hard on moving her leg around and got pissed off when it started to hurt her.
The last meal we shared was a MC Donald's kids meal. My oldest sister and I brought her something she actually wanted to eat- as she hated the food there at this clinic.
Oh my gawd did she love that mini burger and fries. Oh! and she had a sprite. amazing.
Last Thursday, we thought she was going to die- the doctor gave us a terrible reality telling us she will be not leaving the hospital and may not make it through the night. She did. And for 7 days later... That night she woke up. like out of a dream, totally alert and calm. She asked my aunt if she was going to die tonight, my aunt assured her she didn't have to if she wanted- but if you see her family and they are telling you to come hang out.. do it. and don't be scared.
She was not. I saw her just before she fell into a coma. She told me to go home and have some whiskey, and have one for her. while this was hilarious and awesome- incredibly painful. At this point I realized those were the last words she said to me late last Thursday.
I write this with tears streaming down my face, I don't want to be a bummer. Or a blog you read and say, yup- that was the most depressing thing i've read since you found out lost was over. Its just real. Real everything.
My boyfriend is trying to comfort me in telling me shes way happier where she is now. She cant hear us crying for her, and is probably giggling at how we are acting like blubbering idiots. She would probably tell us all to grow up and go play outside with a big smirk on her face.
I am really hoping my work and wsib will be patient with me- these past two weeks have been horrible. Off to write a letter to my boss explaining my past two weeks. Oh joy.
This post is to my friends,my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my sisters & the boys who love us, my parents and of course my amazing grandmother who will be painfully missed, but a joy to remember.
....
You think there is a heaven?
She made THE BEST HOME MADE BREAD you have ever tasted. Any one of my aunts/uncles/cousins/sisters anyone who knew her knows this. I keep thinking about that bread, toast with delish tea around 6 or 7 years old with nan. It was a tradition. A daily homage to the bounty we have and to memories. That's what makes this so sad I think, My grandmother made memories. I should be happy knowing that is what I have of her- but it kills me to know.. that's all i have now. No new ones. Before her strange and immediate rush to the hospital she had knee surgery and was in a re-hab clinic for a week or two. she hated it. HATED. she knew what was going on, she was outrageously aware for being 90.. she worked hard on moving her leg around and got pissed off when it started to hurt her.
The last meal we shared was a MC Donald's kids meal. My oldest sister and I brought her something she actually wanted to eat- as she hated the food there at this clinic.
Oh my gawd did she love that mini burger and fries. Oh! and she had a sprite. amazing.
Last Thursday, we thought she was going to die- the doctor gave us a terrible reality telling us she will be not leaving the hospital and may not make it through the night. She did. And for 7 days later... That night she woke up. like out of a dream, totally alert and calm. She asked my aunt if she was going to die tonight, my aunt assured her she didn't have to if she wanted- but if you see her family and they are telling you to come hang out.. do it. and don't be scared.
She was not. I saw her just before she fell into a coma. She told me to go home and have some whiskey, and have one for her. while this was hilarious and awesome- incredibly painful. At this point I realized those were the last words she said to me late last Thursday.
I write this with tears streaming down my face, I don't want to be a bummer. Or a blog you read and say, yup- that was the most depressing thing i've read since you found out lost was over. Its just real. Real everything.
My boyfriend is trying to comfort me in telling me shes way happier where she is now. She cant hear us crying for her, and is probably giggling at how we are acting like blubbering idiots. She would probably tell us all to grow up and go play outside with a big smirk on her face.
I am really hoping my work and wsib will be patient with me- these past two weeks have been horrible. Off to write a letter to my boss explaining my past two weeks. Oh joy.
This post is to my friends,my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my sisters & the boys who love us, my parents and of course my amazing grandmother who will be painfully missed, but a joy to remember.
....
You think there is a heaven?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Numero Uno
Stress.
Stress is THE ultimate in anyone's life, and the number one contributor to stroke, disease, and damn well anything. Just when we think we cannot handle any more stress- more is dumped on us from above.. like little minions of the Irony gods who think its all funny. I can see them with their little green glove clad hands carrying black cauldrons of stress over the miniature rain cloud that sits atop my head- not to close so people point and stare at me as I slowly walk through the mall.. giggling as I try on those pants i like and finding out i need another size, nope.. one more size up please. I give up and their giggling laughter turns into boisterous laughter. grrrr i can here you up there!
This is my THIRD attempt at writing a blog. I start one- the forget the password, or sign in.. or whatever. then i forget it exists. And continue on my way thinking.. " damn should start a blog" or Lindzi why haven't you started a blog yet people ask me- and think.. I SHOULD!!! BRILLANT IDEA then remember my attempts and forget about blogging. Cue snickering cloud-elves.
I have mucho stress right now, everyone does. But perhaps this may deal with my brain in sorting out issues and whatnot. Within this past 12 days i have had a HUGE blowout with my boyfriend combined with watching a dog who hates men. Add on emergency trips to the hospital where my grandmother who is visiting from NFLD has a knee replacement and eye surgery gets incredibly sick and remains in ICU at this very time surrounded by her family with a promise of the doctor she wont leave, and its a matter of time before she goes to hang out with my grandfather, and her parents. Thats right... my 90 strong as a bull grandmother is going to die any day. Next up- i have been WSIB for a smash to my wrist that occurred at work to find out yesterday they stopped paying me because of whatever reason ( i vote dumb ass receptionist) so now i have to deal with that while have no dollars to my name.
STRESS
I have come to terms with my unfortunate family situation and sigh loudly when I think of my nan locked up to machines lying down in a Grimsby hospital and wondering if she knows whats happening, and if she hears any prayers that we have all been whispering. My Nan is like.. a powerhouse. she had ten children- and watched a hundred grand-kids pass through her little nfld door. How she chopped wood until she couldn't anymore.. the ripe old age of 80.. and how vibrant she is. While watching over her and holding her hand i note she hates being in Ontario a flood of memories wash over my brain like a broken hoover damn making me tear up at any sign of anything.
God makes me cry. I don't know why, always has.. i think its the unknown.. there is a certain finality that comes with God. or seeing god or whatevering God.. I have always leaned on the more eastern notions of like- reincarnation, kharma etc. The natural cycle of life. Not saying that God doesnt have a life cycle or know this kinda thing.. Perhaps as you get older you look for something more stable. Something current and in your face. To not chase gods, spirits, demi-gods, fairys etc. I visited a monestary in Serbia last year, where the remains of a saint , St. Petka (Petra) lie and it really... knocked the wind out of me. A pious women who protects her women who is strong like her.. i found that soothing and comforting. And real. I have started praying for my grandmother- To pray for health, for strength, or at least.. a comfortable and swift passage to her afterlife whatever it may be. My family is very science and fact based, never a religious family. My mother comes from a catholic upbringing and my father Protestant. I think due to the saturation of their lives and the forcing of godly-ness that they had to endure made them lax on their kids.
I still dont know who/what/where i am praying to.. or who is listening. Or who even cares... maybe its prayer that makes us feel good? I tell you, when you sit by someone who is slowly dying holding their hand.. you question things.
Not ending this massive blog on a negative- i just called wsib and have to sift and sort through mountians of paperwork and doctors appointments for me to get paid. grrrr...
okay maybe i did end it on a negative. well- what the hell!! im furious navy!
Stress is THE ultimate in anyone's life, and the number one contributor to stroke, disease, and damn well anything. Just when we think we cannot handle any more stress- more is dumped on us from above.. like little minions of the Irony gods who think its all funny. I can see them with their little green glove clad hands carrying black cauldrons of stress over the miniature rain cloud that sits atop my head- not to close so people point and stare at me as I slowly walk through the mall.. giggling as I try on those pants i like and finding out i need another size, nope.. one more size up please. I give up and their giggling laughter turns into boisterous laughter. grrrr i can here you up there!
This is my THIRD attempt at writing a blog. I start one- the forget the password, or sign in.. or whatever. then i forget it exists. And continue on my way thinking.. " damn should start a blog" or Lindzi why haven't you started a blog yet people ask me- and think.. I SHOULD!!! BRILLANT IDEA then remember my attempts and forget about blogging. Cue snickering cloud-elves.
I have mucho stress right now, everyone does. But perhaps this may deal with my brain in sorting out issues and whatnot. Within this past 12 days i have had a HUGE blowout with my boyfriend combined with watching a dog who hates men. Add on emergency trips to the hospital where my grandmother who is visiting from NFLD has a knee replacement and eye surgery gets incredibly sick and remains in ICU at this very time surrounded by her family with a promise of the doctor she wont leave, and its a matter of time before she goes to hang out with my grandfather, and her parents. Thats right... my 90 strong as a bull grandmother is going to die any day. Next up- i have been WSIB for a smash to my wrist that occurred at work to find out yesterday they stopped paying me because of whatever reason ( i vote dumb ass receptionist) so now i have to deal with that while have no dollars to my name.
STRESS
I have come to terms with my unfortunate family situation and sigh loudly when I think of my nan locked up to machines lying down in a Grimsby hospital and wondering if she knows whats happening, and if she hears any prayers that we have all been whispering. My Nan is like.. a powerhouse. she had ten children- and watched a hundred grand-kids pass through her little nfld door. How she chopped wood until she couldn't anymore.. the ripe old age of 80.. and how vibrant she is. While watching over her and holding her hand i note she hates being in Ontario a flood of memories wash over my brain like a broken hoover damn making me tear up at any sign of anything.
God makes me cry. I don't know why, always has.. i think its the unknown.. there is a certain finality that comes with God. or seeing god or whatevering God.. I have always leaned on the more eastern notions of like- reincarnation, kharma etc. The natural cycle of life. Not saying that God doesnt have a life cycle or know this kinda thing.. Perhaps as you get older you look for something more stable. Something current and in your face. To not chase gods, spirits, demi-gods, fairys etc. I visited a monestary in Serbia last year, where the remains of a saint , St. Petka (Petra) lie and it really... knocked the wind out of me. A pious women who protects her women who is strong like her.. i found that soothing and comforting. And real. I have started praying for my grandmother- To pray for health, for strength, or at least.. a comfortable and swift passage to her afterlife whatever it may be. My family is very science and fact based, never a religious family. My mother comes from a catholic upbringing and my father Protestant. I think due to the saturation of their lives and the forcing of godly-ness that they had to endure made them lax on their kids.
I still dont know who/what/where i am praying to.. or who is listening. Or who even cares... maybe its prayer that makes us feel good? I tell you, when you sit by someone who is slowly dying holding their hand.. you question things.
Not ending this massive blog on a negative- i just called wsib and have to sift and sort through mountians of paperwork and doctors appointments for me to get paid. grrrr...
okay maybe i did end it on a negative. well- what the hell!! im furious navy!
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