EDITORS NOTE: this blog was not intended to be all about the death of my grandmother, I will blog about other things. PROMISE :D .....
As i may have implied in earlier posts, i have always been so unsure of death, as i only understood the complex emotions and reactions to be ones based on fear and loss.. and never really knew how to deal with loosing someone. I have had the great fortune of not attending too many funerals, and hopes this is the way it will be for another mm.. 80 years? I today do not write before you all and say this whole experience of being front and center to a very emotional and overwhelming ... lets call it... ALL OF NOVEMBER> yes, i yelled that. I sit here and wonder what the hell just happened, the pace of life and death and the moment's in between and just... suck it all in. I have very bizarre memories of panicking around my mothers birthday and promise her she wouldn't get any older cause i was petrified for some reason that she would die. My father traveled a lot for business when i was a kitten, and i would panic that he would get on a plane and then watch the remains of some 747 that smashed into the ground. I never 'got' death. It used to plague me and stifle me with emotion that i was afraid of.
I read a book at least a year ago by Deepak Chopra called life after death,
and I have to be so honest here, in this forum, that this book made sense to me. And dr. chopra's readings on life and the after life and what this life does to the next is very profound and touching. Today during my Nan's " Ontario service" i sat there and thought of this book and the explanation of grief. in a nutshell---- and i bet laughably un-profound as the book actually reads--- we cry over death and mourn so much, succumb to sadness because we view death as a loss. death becomes this final thing, we are born, we live, and we die... we will no longer have this person here for us, to hold us, to talk to us, to miss out on family gatherings and pictures with us... It is sad for us. But we need not be sad over a loss, because energy, life force, the soul, whatever you decide to call it is still with us just in a different form of matter. The body and soul become divided, the body feeds the earth and our loved ones become the water that flows over the falls, the clouds that form on the highest hill top and the air we breathe. Religious or not religious, there is no argument the body decomposes, this, however we must take comfort in. We must see death as simply another passage into life. My grandmother will now be the ever greens that grow so tall and house many little woodland animals... or she is the water that furiously crashes against the rocks in a storm assuring us of her great presence. **** video clip 1 is at the bottom... ***
I watched my mother, my aunts, my uncles and their family's sob today. Bawl and cry over the deep and burning sadness that comes from loosing a parent. I saw my sisters and cousins and loved ones cry during my aunts extremely touching song and bringing a cell phone to heaven. While cutesy or silly my small description may be her voice carried through that church and rang into every single person sitting there. Perhaps their to support us, or someone i dont know- but her song touched everyone. It was outstanding. I could never have the cojones to do that and i cant say many people would. She sand so beautifully and with such meaning and joy i was flabbergasted to not hear a single crack that came from her voice considering 15 minutes ago she was a big ball of tearful mess. ( sorry aunt joanie!! lol )
Nan, i miss you as we all do. I hate that you are gone- but love where you are now. We all do.
lulu.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_rdYiLAz38
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